6 Months

Well, it's been about 6 months since the passing away of my mom. July 1st to be exact. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, and wish that I were with her. Certain days it feels like it's been forever, and then again on others it seems just like yesterday. One thing about me I've noticed is that I'm not as decisive as I used to be. And I am much more emotional than I ever was. And as far as strength goes, it takes that much more out of me.

I still don't know much about my state of mind, and where I've been and where I'm headed. Things haven't made much since ever since everything happened, and I couldn't tell you how I feel for definite day to day. Sometimes it feels like i don't even know myself anymore. I get a little stronger everyday, but sometimes I just don't want to.

I've read books on Loss of loved ones, and Motherless daughters and a plethora of many others on that subject, but have still come to the conclusion that each ones own experience is one that is indescribable. Inevitably, you know that there is hope on looking forward and moving on, but sometimes just don't want to. I know i'm not the same person as I was. I'm not the same toward my best friends, whom have been there with me through thick and thin, and it kills me. I guess it takes time, but times my worst enemy. I'm not one to talk much about my feelings, and don't really open up my heart that easily.

My faith has been the only constant in my life, and I am forever grateful for that. I guess I just want others to know that it's ok to talk about my mom, and it might make me sad, but ultimately it's a healing process. She didn't lead a perfect life, but she's the one I looked up to the most.I find myself looking ahead at future holidays,and experiences without my mom, and it hurts. But ultimately, the hardest is not seeing my family without being able to hold back the tears.Especially my grandfather, whom I see my mom so much in.

But, despite all this mayhem and uncertainty, God has blessed me through some people I didn't even know before this. Trudy and Mark O'Connell. They are so genuine and their love for God and me is so true. I'm not one to get close easily, or even accept the thought of change, but God has given me a sense of peace when I'm around them, and a love that is growing everyday. I respect them so much for just being real, and honoring their calling. They have truly blessed me in so many ways, kept me going, and will be so much more blessed in the long run. It's because of them that I am considering things I have been blocking off for the longest time.

So this is just a tribute to my mom. A remembrance, to all the good times and tough ones too, because it's through those that have made me stronger. And also, hopefully some insight to others as to where I'm at at this point and time in my life. (June 21, 2008)